Another thing I took for granted....

Would you know what I meant if I asked you how it would be to live with a person that is unable to feel emotions? Well, let me try to tell you. It sucks. Due to the damage done to my husbands brain, it is impossible for him to "feel" emotions anymore. Occasionally he gets angry and sometimes he might smile a little, but for the most part, nothing. He can't feel love, or excitement or simple joy anymore. . It is a horrible thing when the loneliest place in the world is sitting next to the man you have been with for the last 15 years. I hate the memories...because even tho he still has most of his memories, he no longer has the feelings that go along with them. He doesn't remember what it felt like to see me walk down the aisle. He doesn't remember what it felt like to hold our nephew for the first time. You never realize how important things are until they are gone.

Another effect from the strokes is the drastic changes in his personality. He once was so kind and sweet. I always felt so safe in his arms. Now, his hugs are cold. Even when he holds my hand on rare occasion, it isn't him. He is an asshole 80% of the time for no reason. He says awful, hurtful things with no concept on how bad they hurt. I have developed a pretty impressive thick skin over the last 5 years, but there are still days that it tears me into little pieces. He is so different. The man I married, my soul mate, died in August 2007 and this new guy took his place. The changes weren't as noticeable in the beginning, but with each new stroke I lost more and more of him until there is little, if anything, left of who he was. I am grieving for my husband and for the epic life that we had but I can't properly grieve and move on because he is still here. That may sound harsh but those of you have been in anything similar with brain injuries, you totally know what I mean. I do pretty well, holding everything together with limited means. but some days, like today, all I can do is cry. I miss him so much.

His bad days are the hardest. He was always the strong one. He was always the one taking care of me and our life. He held me together. Now I watch his every move, waiting for signs of a relapse. It is exhausting. Watching him suffer on the bad days just tears out a little more of me. Anyone who has watched someone slowly fade away will understand what I mean. I feel helpless. I feel weak. I feel jipped. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful every day that I was one of the lucky ones. I met my soul mate at young age, many people never meet theirs. But I wasn't ready to lose him. I wasn't ready to be done. I wasn't ready for this. Before you say anything, I KNOW THAT NO ONE ASKS FOR THIS. However, that doesn't change the fact I am sad and pissed off that I lost my best friend, the other half of me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7DcySekLKY

I think that is enough for now.